My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
