Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize