Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
