I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
