Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
