I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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