I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
