He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
