Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
