my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
