i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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