if you like me you must not know who I am
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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