I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
