i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
