so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
