I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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