he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
