I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
is it fun? or sober?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
