Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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