I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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