I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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