How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize