I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
