new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
