xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
