he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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