I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
