I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize