i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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