Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Yo dont text me then not text me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
