i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
