Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
