hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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