Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
