I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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