he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the day after is always just damage control
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize