alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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