Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
