I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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