Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
