i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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