I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently you make a good broom.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
