And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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