So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
