This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
