I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
