I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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