dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
