First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
