I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize