the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
