There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
