Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
