i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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