then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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