apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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