I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
