Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Someone signed my nipple.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
