Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
