omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
