i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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