I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
