Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
