Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
