the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
